Mental Health, Messiness, and Me

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I find myself lying on my mother’s bed, thinking. I have been doing this thing when I am walking or driving and stuck in traffic, where I look at people and try to figure out what they are thinking. Who is wondering what they are going home to? Another person is thinking about whether they should buy that flour if it means walking to work. Another is wondering whether it is worth being alive. Another person, you can see the joy in their eyes because they got a promotion, their kids excelled in school, or they finally got that gift they kept bothering their boyfriend about. Another person is wondering what is happening in the job market. Another is worried about fuel prices. But that is all in my head. I genuinely have no idea what people are thinking, but I love to make up stories.

The reality of mental health is that it is not as easy as defining it. Mental health hides itself in the joy on people’s faces or in the pretense that you are okay, while deep down, you know you are not. Some of us walk around with anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, and so on. So for today, we will say: Mens sana in corpore sano - a healthy mind in a healthy body.

Let’s be honest: some days are harder than others. Some days, you question the sanity of the life you are living. Some days, you wake up and genuinely do not want to be around people or even talk. And of late, I have been there, not questioning the sanity of life, but not wanting to talk or let anyone in.

I am bitter about certain situations, but that does not negate the fact that I know what to do when I feel like that. I have anxiety, and I remember before realizing what it was, I was told, “You should not claim that.” But how do you tell your brain to shut up? How do you stop yourself from waking up in the middle of the night? The shaking, to the point where I imagine it is the bed, but in reality, it is my body.

I do not claim it in any way, but I am only human. So, I do the work. I work on it. I talk about it with my friends, do shadow work, and go to therapy. I hate when situations bring back my anxiety because I start feeling like all the work I had put into not overthinking, overreacting, and becoming attached to people has gone to waste. But in reality, I will always have triggers about various situations.

I am not ashamed of my anxiety, but honestly, some days I could do without it, especially the overwhelming feeling, the puking, and the diarrhea. It has made me very guarded, especially in this season of my life. I am no longer fixing what people break because I feel the need to. I am learning not to become attached to people because all they do is take advantage of that. And this comes from years of hearing, “You have such a good heart.” Well, all it caused me was numerous disappointments and crippling anxiety. So, I will give you grace; do not get me wrong, but I also have a right to say, "Enough is enough," when something no longer brings me joy.

We are all in situations where we wonder whether we are doing enough. And if you are not, men, share the tips, aki. The cost of living has tripled for so many of us. We have dreams we want to actualize by a certain age, places we want to travel to, houses we need to build, land we need to buy, and so many more things I cannot finish listing.

Some people get depressed about it. If you are like me, you become anxious about it. Others have PTSD because of things they have experienced, whether from parents, day-to-day life, relationships, friendships, or an array of possibilities. At the end of the day, we are all in a loop of regression to the mean; life finds balance.

But I wanted to talk about the things I have learned in my own journey.

1. NOBODY OWES ME A GOOD MIND

Life continues, and the longer I hold on to people, the longer I continue feeling terrible. I believe in letting go and letting God. Some days it is so hard, but realizing that everyone is human, everyone has their own faults, trauma, and struggles, makes it easier for me to say: I have no control over how they choose to fix their own issues, and they have no control over how I choose to fix mine. And in situations you have no control over, ask God to give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and, more importantly, the wisdom to know the difference.

2. TALK ABOUT IT

Shout it to your therapist, your journal, your friends, and even to God. One of the things I enjoy is talking to God; it usually ends with me crying, but I have learned to let it out. Crying, for me, is not weakness, but rather a way of washing away the overwhelming feeling. Name what you are feeling out loud. Psychologists call this affect labeling, and research shows it actually reduces the intensity of what you are feeling.

3. LOOK FOR ACTIVITIES TO DO

When I wake up with a clear mind, my day automatically becomes better. So, do the things that clear your mind: walking, creating, coloring, reading, baking, gardening, going to the gym, and whatever works for you. For me, I really enjoy farming. One of the things farming has taught me is patience. And to know anxiety is to know it is the opposite of patience. You plant turmeric, and it takes almost seven months to grow, yet I am so used to wanting things to happen in a day.

That has helped me in grounding myself. Touching the soil calms my nervous system. Showering with cold water was hard at first, but now I also love it—it helps me. Something else that has helped me is taking social media breaks, and I take as many as I need.

4. BE KIND TO YOURSELF

On days when it feels like I cannot do anything about it, I become extra kind to myself. Nowadays, what I also do is take one thing at a time. I ask myself, what is causing my anxiety? What can I do about it? How can I get myself in a position where I do not feel overwhelmed or like my chest is about to burst?

I have not had a panic attack in a year, and to me, that is progress. I remember the last one I had; it was in a matatu. Thank God I was with a friend who happens to be a psychologist because they saw it coming from a mile away. I will never forget what he told me: "Your anxiety is not bigger than you.”And that changed everything for me. I remember feeling broken, and now it does not bother me the same way. So, what if I have anxiety? I am bigger than it.

I also curated words that help me, and I read them every time I feel anxious. Some days najiambia ni fununu nasema, but at the end of the day, inanisaidia.

I genuinely do not know what works for other people, but these are some of the things that have worked for me. To the people struggling with anything, I pray that the load gets lighter. I pray there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. To anyone struggling in silence, talk to someone. To the people who have not yet found the right person to open up to, may you find your person. Take care of yourself; the world will adjust.